Hello world

I feel like utter shit. Why do I fell like utter shit? Well, it seems that anyone I like I am doomed to make feel like shit. Or at least hate me. Recently, as in the last five minutes, I did that to Car. I am so sorry for her. I really thought I was doing the right thing. I really thought I was. I wanted her, and she didn't want me, and we seemed to be really good friends. I realized this wasn't going to work. Eventually she was going to date someone and my minor jealousy of not being with her would skyrocket into something terrible. I could hardly stand being with her because it was so much fun. That may sound odd, but anyone who has liked someone that doesn't like you back knows the feeling. So what was I to do? I couldn't stay with the way things are because it was leaving me depressed, and I couldn't move things to where I wanted them to be for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which being that she doesn't want to. So I stopped it. It was the only logical thing for me to do anyway. But it feels like shit. She didn't take it as well as I had hoped she would. I didn't think she cared about me. I couldn't imagine that she did. I don't see why anyone would. I'm such a worthless piece of shit. Why is she taking this so hard then? Am I being selfish? Should I suck it up and be her friend? That doesn't make any sense to me. That's a lie to her and a lie to me. Should I try and explain things to her? Should I just stay away and let her deal with it herself? I hope she isn't crying. I mean, I feel overly egotistical thinking she would be, but I guess there is the possibility. If she is crying that would break my heart. I couldn't stand it. I only ever wanted to make her happy. That's what I tried to do. I drove her home when she needed to go home. I drove her to work when she needed to go to work. When she needed a friend to hang out with I hung out with her. When she needed someone to confide in I was there for that too. I never said no to her if I could possibly answer yes. I guess all that didn't matter though. I failed. At the end of the day I'm just not good enough.

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