Keeping People

I'm not very good at keeping people. I wonder why that is. I mean, especially in the last year I have seemed to lose a lot of people. They come into my life, are lucky if they last a year, and then are out again. One of the best examples is probably Alex. I knew her for three months, and now she hates me. I knew Allison for quite a few more months than that. She hates me now too. Evidently going from 'the guy she can share her problems with' to 'asshole' takes about a paragraph in an email. Going back further my best friend Kevin Lai I haven't spoken to in years. Though I suppose that was more of a moving to a different city than 'I hate you, you're an asshole and I want you to die!'. I used to talk to Windy every night on the phone for hours. Haven't spoken to her in months. I used to talk to Jessica, haven't done that in forever.

Why do I lose people like this? Can it be I really am a bad person? Usually when they get upset for me it really isn't logically my fault. I just don't get it. All my friends just seem to fade away. That thought scares me. I don't want to lose the friends I have now. It's depressing to think the same might happen to them. Maybe (and this will sound a little egotistical) people don't like me because I make them feel imperfect. I always take logical conclusions to the extreme and am honest about when I think someone is being stupid. Zach said something one time to the effect of "Wow, you can make anyone feel like a moron with that look". I was proud of 'that look'. I have it perfected.

Could it be my propensity not to lie then? Does that make sense? I don't think it would. There are plenty of assholes out there who say mean things all the time that people have long lasting friendships with. Maybe it's because I'm not an asshole all the time. Maybe it's because I'm really nice. So when I do say something mean it really hurts because the person knows I'm telling the truth. Huh, that's a thought.

Oh well, who really knows why I don't seem to keep my really good friends. I seem to be doing well with a few anyway. Maybe this is normal. Maybe there isn't anything strange about me at all. I guess I just felt like writing this little self-reflection might help me gather my thoughts. I just wish all those people I mentioned up there were still my good friends. I miss them. And since I doubt any of them will read this, they'll never know how I feel.

*shrugs* Se la vi la vi.

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