I wrote this on my palm pilot:

English Notes

Rachel, I love her. No words can possibly begin to descibe how I feel. I think I have loved her always, but that could not be true. She talked to me first, andI feel as if I have talked last. She will most likely never know the way I feel and that saddens me grealty. There must be a way to make it all right but I can not see it. No amount of logic or most likely even wisdom will ever give me the deep and utter truth to the understanding of this precious gift that I will never recieve. Perhaps it is more earned then given. But then what is my task? What must I do? If her love was simply something to be earned and taken I feel as if I should have it already, or at least be on my way. The way the universe works, the absolute improbability of two people have of falling in love at the same time in the same place with the same ideals and everything else seems a far too unlikely a goal. What then? Should I entertain the frivolous and quickly ended relationships of my peers? What they feel is not truely love. It can not be. I do not know if love reqires intellegence. It would seem that it does not. How very odd. Everything in the world requires intellegence, but the act of loving and being loved does not. Perhaps this is why it is such a universal and undying thing. It requires nothing other then feeling, not money, intellegence, or looks... and it feels good. Well, no it doesent. Love has not ever felt good for me. If it isnt Rachel who is ignorant of my love, it is Windy who does not care, or Marina who does not want it. I understand thier position, I do not love someone, and she loved me. I find her most intolerable. Is that my fault, am I bad? My father says no. He believes that it happens to everyone. You're crazy about one person, and they arent about you (and vice versa). How can we live in such an intolerable place? Suffering for love is universal as well. Even the most beautiful girl must have been rejected by someone. I would instantly choose Jessica, or Rachel over much 'prettier' girls. Given my current convictions I would probably even leave other girls for the chance to be with them. Even if the other girl had proven to be an absolute perfect match for me. Why is that? Why would I possibly do that? I would give up someone I know could possibly be perfect, or at least be torn up inside at having to make the decision, just becuase I 'love' someone else? Thu is sitting here next to me. I like her as a very good friend. She is fun, nice, cute, and either energetic or easy to sympathize with. I would probably date her if she asked. Could I possibly be basing my freindships on love as well? Is it a lesser love? Or just a undeveloped love. Do I even love anyone truly? I have never loved an 'ugly' girl. I have had other people say they believed the girl I loved was ugly but I have never seen "her" as such. I can not imagine any of them would truly fit the definition of ugly, perhaps average, but never truly ugly. Does that make any sense? Is it some sort of primitive primal urge to mate with the fairest of the tribe? I can not believe this is true. I do not want to make love with Rachel. Would she ask I would probably do the deed, but if I could pick between a date with a chance of meaning and repeatability, or sex, I would eagerly pick the former. The same goes for all the girls I have loved. Some i have merely been attracted to physically. Belana is the only example I can think of. Touching her was exetremely enjoyable, but I never did really want much of a relationship with her. I would have dated her, had a lot of fun, but i do not feel I ever truly loved her. How is it then... that a girl I like, and is more receptive to me, is less desireable then the girl I love but can not have. It's not just not being able to have her that makes me desire her. (Although the curiosity of what her reciprocating love might feel like is enough to drive a man mad) I have loved her before the chance was taken away. I fear there are no answers to my questions. They must be seeked and answered... but not alone.

11-19-02

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