March 23, 2003 Allison

Ok, this rant has been coming for quite some time now. Let me say before I get started, that I still do like Allison very much, and would do anything for her. That being said… what a stupid bitch! You would seriously not believe what this girl has put me through. Let us begin at the beginning:

Im chattin online one day when Captain Grunt (Ron) tells me to Instant Message this random girl with a horrible message. He says that she is the same girl that he got to call me like a year ago when we had a little contest to see who could get a girl to call the other one stupid. So I instant message her with the rudest thing I could come up with, it wasn't the worst ever, but I was tired. So then somehow we started talking. We talked until four in the morning! She told me how she had recently lost her virginity and that she hadn't wanted to. So I kept chatting with her for about a week. Near the end of that week she started talking about sleeping with me. I thought it was all joking. So after two weeks go by, I drive on over to her house. She wasn't feeling too good about herself, so I figured if I was nice enough to actually drive all the way out to see her just to talk, that maybe she would feel better. So I lied to my dad (something I don't do EVER, but I liked her enough to do), and I was on my way. I snuck into her window and we talked for about two hours. Then she kissed me, we continued to kiss and she started taking off clothing. I didn't really understand. I liked her a lot and I didn't want to say not to do it, I couldn't imagine what a blow to her ego that would be. Not to mention that I was thoroughly enjoying myself. So she was completely naked, and all I had on was boxers. I ate her out because I had always wanted to do that and I thought it would feel good. She said that the sex earlier had sucked, so I was hoping maybe I could satisfy her a little. I stayed until three in the morning, and then left. You could not wipe the smile off my face, and she was smiling too. Life was great. I was so animated the next day. It was true happiness. So we kept on chatting and I go and visit her the next weekend, or a weekend after or something, I don't remember. We hung out for quite a bit of the day. It was so much fun. We made out a lot. I had already liked her a whole hell of a lot, but now I was thinking that she was the coolest girl I had ever known. I was feeling special too, she really seemed to like me a lot, I didn't think she wanted to date me or anything though. I felt that way because girls have always hated me and I couldn't seem to accept the fact that one might like me now. So then that night ended with making out in my car. If you thought the other night I was smiling, you would have been scared… I was so uber-happy. I really thought that it was soon going to develop into something more. Since she had made the first move, I assumed that she would just let me know when she wanted it to be more. I was about to go to Washington DC, and I had had a really good day, and I was pretty horny. This was a Monday. So again I lied to my parents, and went over to her house. I wanted her so bad, I didn't even bother saying much, I just started kissing her. We talked more during it though. That was pretty cool. I was so in love with her. Life was so good. Then at around 1:40 my mom called and I HAD to go home. I was so disappointed, but I was thankful for the time I got to spend with her. OK, things were good and it was off to Washington. I think everyone there must have been sick of hearing about her. I talked about her so much. And there were so many times when I was about to call her, but the time difference and the extremely full schedule there made it impossible. No big deal I thought and I came ready to go right to her house. I thought about her the whole flight back; I couldn't wait till I got to see her again. So I come back and she mentions something about not calling her. I told her why I couldn't and figured it was fine. Then she tells me about how this other guy is being really nice to her and everything. That kind of made me a little sad. My worst fear that I was just sort of filler between boys was coming to life. But I was OK with it. The way I saw it, that's what I imagined myself all along, and I would continue my filler duties until they were done. On Friday (I think I got home on Monday), she called me up at school while I was in networking class. She asked me if I wanted to come over to her house and we would see a movie with her and Kelli (her best friend) and her boyfriend. She sounded really excited, so I eagerly agreed. I remember turning to Kevin with the biggest smile on my face ever and telling him about it. He actually sort of jumped when he saw my smile… So I go over there to her house, not really sure whether I was a friend or more at this point. I figured when I got there she would tell me somehow. I pick her up and we go over to Kelli's house. OK, now, you have to realize, Kelli and Eric (her boyfriend) are INSANE! That's cool, I like insane people. But they don't like me. Every time I tried to tell a joke or say anything, it fell flat, and they just stared at me. They were all such good friends, Kelli and Eric were making out every other minute and they were all wrestling around and stuff. I had no idea what my place was, I was scared as fuck. I saw the situation deteriorating rather quickly, but I didn't know what to do. Also, Kelli and Eric hated me, because they wanted Eric's good friend, Nic, to being going out with Allie and not me. So we somehow decided not to go to the movie. I had no idea what I was doing; Allison wasn't talking to me, or kissing me. We were sitting in the dark, and I wanted to kiss her so badly, but she really didn't look like she wanted to. Then she went and locked herself in the bathroom. I knew why she was in there, but there was nothing I could do. I sat outside the door and stared at it while I could hear Kelli and Eric fooling around in the kitchen. Then Kelli went into the bathroom and talked to her. I found out later that at that point Allison had decided that she wasn't going to kiss me anymore. So the whole rest of the day was fucked from that point on. We went out to eat. It took us forever to decide on a place, but we finally do. We went to some Indian place, Kelli and Eric were kissing like crazy, and Allison and I were just sitting there. I think it was one of the most uncomfortable times in my entire life. I kept trying to get her to do something, I was trying to salvage it, but it wasn't working. So anyway, we end up at borders, and I'm frozen. Kelli and Eric have gone home, and we are sitting there, not saying anything, in the book store. I whip out my palm pilot and start writing to her, and then she writes back. After a while I got the courage to start actually saying things. She said that she didn't feel it was the same anymore. My whole world was collapsing down on to me. I stood up; I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to die. She grabbed me, but I kept going. She followed. She held my arm the whole walk, once she made me stop, she stared into my eyes with the saddest look on her face ever. I wanted to melt into the ground and never deal with the world ever again. I can't even begin to explain how sad I felt just looking at her face. I will never forget it; my fingers are trembling as I type. It makes me want to cry even now. So we got to the car, and we got in. I started to drive her home. I drove as calmly as I could manage. She started rubbing the back of my neck. It felt so good and so bad at the same time. I kept looking back at her face, it was so sad. It hurt me worse then anything else ever had. It reached deep within the core of my being and gave me pure pain and sorrow. We finally got to her house, and I went around the car. I had been trying to think of what I would say to her the whole ride over. I was next to cheers, choking on my words. I tried to get something out, it was something about thanking her for all the good times, and how I really liked her or something. I don't even remember, I can only remember pure and utter sorrow that even now makes me weak. So then she walked into the house and was gone. I started to drive away slowly. At the intersection I decided I couldn't leave yet, and I made a horrible three point turn, and went back to her house. I called her and just stopped the car in the middle of the street. I talked to her; I don't remember what I said. Then she said that she had to go. So I parked my car outside of her house, and laid down in the back seat, next to tears for half an hour. I kept thinking that she would come outside and make it all better. She never did. So I drove home, I idled out of her neighborhood. I didn't want to go. The drive home was insane. I was so sad. I don't even remember the next few days really. I was capitulated into an orgy of depression and self-hate. She told me that she felt that I didn't care about her, and that this other guy did, so she had to end it with me. I couldn't believe it. I loved her so much. So I felt that if I could somehow prove that I cared for her that maybe she would like me again. I actually went out and bought seven bars of Ghirardelli chocolate, then drove to her house after school in rush hour traffic to give them to her. I even went and bought hanging dice for her friend Kelli. None of it worked though. So I gave up. I figured that she was happy with the boyfriend she had and that I should not try to interfere with that. So I was depressed for about two or three weeks (time passed strangely). At some point in there I went and saw her play. I liked it a lot. We didn't talk when I saw her, that hurt pretty bad. We talked about it. Then a few days later I started feeling better. I wasn't over her by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't too depressed anymore, and I was starting to be happy. Then she goes and tells me that she can't forget about me and that she 'wants to say she loves me'. I couldn't talk during most of the conversation. I LOVED her so much, but I didn't want to say it, because I felt she was happy with Nic and that I shouldn't interfere with that. So then I was extremely depressed. I mean, I didn't want to exist. All the stuff I had said after she ended it with me was true, we like each other a hell of a lot, and we aren't together for an insanely stupid reason. I was depressed for about three days, I thought that she was unhappy with her boyfriend and that we would somehow magically get back together and everything would be fine again. It hurt so bad that it wasn't happening. I watched my cell phone like a hawk. I hoped and prayed that she would call it. She never did, and then she told me about how she was partially naked with her boyfriend. That took my dream and shattered it into a million tiny little pieces, then jumped up and down on them and then hit them more, burned them, fed it to goats, then burned their shit, and sent the remains on a one way trip to the sun. So I started to feel better. In fact, I was actually pretty happy the last two or three days. And I was happy today too. I mean, there were sporadic times when I would just start thinking about all I lost, but they weren't the major parts of my day anymore. So today she tells me how today she doesn't even like her boyfriend. OK, I think that pretty much does it for the background info. Now it's time to get to the real rant.

First off, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What is with this girl? She likes me a lot, but she doesn't like her boyfriend. She refuses to break up with him, and do you know the two big reasons? She needs a date for prom, and she doesn't want to break his heart. Well, lemme tell you, I would be very fucking happy to take her to prom, and she already broke my damn heart! Why not me, eh??? She makes me feel like total shit, I felt loved and special while we were doing things. Now I feel like the sticky crap you get on your shoe that you can't get off. You know that shit? It's black, it aint gum, and it doesn't come off??? That's what I feel like. She tells me how she doesn't understand why girls aren't just lining up to go out with me, and she had me and she doesn't even want to get me back! Now you might say that would be pretty hard to get me back… NUH UH! She just has to say the words: "Adam, I was stupid. I want to try and make it work with you" and that would be it. I would drop everything and drive over right there and then. I don't care what time it is, Id walk out of class. I'd skip dinner. I don't care. You couldn't keep me away from her. OK, she said she thought I didn't care about her, and that she felt the other guy did care about her because he was doing things like walking her to classes and being late for his own. She didn't even think of all the stuff I did! Like how about just driving over there for one??? It was a half hour and lying to parents every time I wanted to see her, and I was willing to do it as many times as she would let me. I bought her stuff. Hell, me even kissing her shows I liked her a hell of a lot, I don't kiss girls I don't like. I even refuse to play spin the bottle because I don't do that. None of that mattered to her! I am having the worst time not believing she is a slut too. She sometimes calls herself a whore, and I always tell her she isn't, that she is a good person, but its getting hard for me to say that. I mean, c'mon! She slept with one guy, then three weeks later fooled around with me, then the second she was done with me started with another guy, all the while there is a guy out there that she is bound and determined to marry and have kids with when she gets older! She never lets it go either. She blames me every chance she gets. She never talked with me about anything. Did she ever think of maybe picking up the phone and giving me a ring while I was in Washington? No! Of course not, it was obviously my responsibility to make sure that I showed completely that I was in love with her while getting no signs in return. Then on the day she ended it with me, she said that she DID NOT want me to be her boyfriend, and she did not want to go out with me anymore. So what does she say a few days later? That she wanted a boyfriend and that I wasn't willing to step up to the plate. I even hinted at it a few times while we were doing things about the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing and she didn't say anything. So how was I supposed to know??? I can't talk to her friends like Nic can! Nic has inside access to her friends, although I guess that doesn't even matter anymore, because she is lying to them too. She doesn't even like Nic back. She refuses to tell him though. And all that makes me feel even worse since it means she gave me up for a guy she didn't even like! We talked about how she doesn't like her boyfriend and how she is in love with Jason, and we didn't even bring me up. I'm not even a fucking option anymore. She is going to fake it with Nic until the summer, and then break up with him. Well aint that fuckin great? There's nothing to even do anymore. Once school is over, she is going off to summer camp, and then off to college. I'd like to spend the last month and a half or whatever with her, I mean, at least it would be some sort of validation. I know it's not going to happen though. Well, I meant this to be a real rant; I meant it to be full of bitterness and anger. Having written out the whole story I am only sad. I can't even remember some of the things I wanted to say. Well, Ill probably remember them later and continue the rant. This is already four pages anyway.